Friday, June 15, 2012

An Inner Dialogue

"I hate computers so much." Okay, that's a lie. I love computers. I love the internet. But fuck computers. I know how a computer works. Sort of. I don't want to learn about electrons and how a flash memory stick works. I want it to just work. And I really don't feel like taking 300 pages of notes on the topic.

I'm not really pissed at my Computer Literacy class. I mean, honestly, I love learning. It's great. But I have a deadline hanging over my head and I'm pretty sure I will never meet that deadline. I just want to give up, flop down onto my bed and forget about it for all eternity. I have more important things to think about. Like practicing teaching my arthritis exercise class. How am I supposed to get up in front of 70 seniors and teach when I'm terrified of talking in front of people. My hands shake, I stutter- overall it's not a pleasant experience for me. Then there's my job. I've worked every day this week. There's just too much going on!

I'm pretty sure if I was given six months off and was locked in my room I'd be able to finish it. But it's intimidating. What is an electron? What does it look like? How does it stay in flash memory gate? How do they make the wires so tiny for computer chips? How do they fit them in the right place? How are there so many computers in the world?

Back when life was SOOOO much easier.
I give up. I have my Lupus to focus on. I should not be living in perpetual pain! Life should not be like this! I want to go out and get really drunk. I want to stay out until 5 in the morning partying. I'm so sick of being this little goody two-shoes. I want to be horribly irresponsible. I want to live on my own and not worry about my parents. That would make my life so much easier. If I could afford to live on my own. But I'm forever doomed to live with my parents. I can't even get past this freaking flash memory chapter in my Computer Literacy book. I'm never going to graduate and I'll be stuck at home forever and I'll be broke for the rest of my life.

I remember being very little and everyone calling me a genius. Everyone thought I was a fucking genius and I'd be this amazing braniac when I grew up. But here I am, 20 years old and still living with my parents, working a minimum wage job, and I still can't understand what an electron is. I have this label of genius to live up to, and I'm still nothing while everyone is passing me by. And it pisses me off because I know I could be that genius everyone said I'm going to be.

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