Saturday, January 19, 2013

Losing My Mind

I've been having a lot of trouble with thinking lately. Something that seems so simple and effortless has become an Olympic event for my body/self.

I had the hardest time making a conversation with someone the other day. I felt so bad because most of what was coming out of my mouth was nonsense and half-sentences and then I'd forget and just... ugh! I had to keep apologizing for being such a boring person. And it was frustrating. One second I would have a whole and complete thought and the next it would be gone. Or I would be towards the end of a story, but I'd forget either the story or the point I was trying to make.

I miss being smart. I'm still smart, but I miss being able to make witty remarks or talk about politics or analyze artwork and theorize about how certain groups of people in history affected other parts of the world. I was trying to describe this painting by a German Expressionist at the LACMA museum and for the life of me I could not remember the word... Oh damn it. I had it and I lost it. Basically I was trying to say that L:SALKDFHJ:SOKDLFJ:LSK@!!!!!!! I swear, this is the most frustrating thing in the world. What was I trying to say!!??? German expressionism, sharp lines, HARSH! that was the word. God that took forever.

When I have trouble remembering something at work, like I'm about to go re-stock something and I forget what I'm doing, I will stand there and go through a routine that sounds something like this:
"I was doing something. Something to do with something. I was walking in the back for something. It has to do with soda. Something to do with soda. Aha! Ice. I was going to stock up the ice bins!"
Sometimes I'll get it in a few seconds, but other times I'm just standing there for a minute or more. And my managers will give me funny looks when they see me talking to myself when they walk by.

Losing my cognitive function is one of the hardest things to cope with. I can handle pain like a champ. I've mastered the art of hospital visits. But being betrayed by my own mind is the worst.

No comments:

Post a Comment